First dances get all the focus, but father-daughter dances are just as important. [More on mother-son dances later.] While not literally the last time you’ll dance with your dad, it does symbolize a transition to a new phase of your life, and he will probably be feeling a whole range of emotions. Honor the moment by approaching it in a thoughtful way.
You could be swing on a star.
Choosing a Song
The first step toward a great father-daughter dance is picking a song. Is there one that has meaning for the two of you? A while back we choreographed a foxtrot to Swinging of a Star because the bride’s father used to sing it to her, and then she sang it to her little girl. It was lovely. Maybe you don’t have a specific song, but you both love punk rock. Go for it. Or perhaps pick a hit from the year you were born. The point is, there are no wrong choices, so do what feels right for you.
Once you’ve picked the perfect song, be prepared to sacrifice some of it. Either have it edited or ask the DJ to fade it out at a certain point. Keep it fun, entertaining, and short. Around a minute and a half is perfect.
Making waves with Dad.
Feelings, Wo Oh Oh Feelings
Generally (sexism alert!), weddings are planned by the women in the family. Choosing the song and practicing together is a good way to make your father feel more included, and chances are he’ll jump at the chance to spend time with you.
It doesn’t matter how manly, confident, or accomplished your father is in other parts of his life, dancing in front f people may terrify him (another good reason to keep the song short). If he does seem nervous, consider taking lessons together. There’s nothing like preparation to build confidence. You might also consider having the mother-son dance at the same time to take some of the spotlight off the two of you.
One more thing to keep in mind, many dads get a bit overcome if the song is slow and sentimental, so if you want to avoid waterworks, pick something up tempo.
More dads for more fun.
Lessons & Logistics
If you do decide to take lessons together (highly recommended in my opinion), you can keep it simple with 2 or 3 moves on repeat or go full out with dazzling choreography. Decide together what you want (he may surprise you) and then just have fun with it.
It’s a little tricky if your parents live in a different area, but in my experience most fathers are willing to come into town once or twice before the wedding for something so important. And if your mother and fiancé learn the moves too, you can practice even when you’re apart.
Finally, when you finish the dance, avoid the temptation to rush off to the next thing (even if it’s cake). Let your father walk you off the floor properly, give him a hug, and savor the moment.
A beautiful first dance is something you’ll cherish forever, and taking lessons to prepare for it is a worthwhile investment of time and money. Here are a few simple things to keep in mind to get the most out of the experience.
Will your first dance be this much fun?
Start early. You’ve probably heard this before, but it bears repeating. Start taking lessons at least 3-4 months before the wedding. You may not need that much time to learn your choreography, but the more practice you can get in before the big day, the more relaxed and confident you’ll be. Plus, when you don’t feel pressured by a tight timeline, your lessons will feel more like fun date nights.
So much chemistry!
Record any new moves or choreography at the end of each lesson to use as a reference for practice. You’ll also be able to see that you’re making progress, and more importantly, your future children will love it.
You can’t learn this at the last minute!
Practice! No one can do it for you and it’s the only way you’ll improve. Being consistent with practice will also reduce the number of lessons you’ll need to take. Frequency is key, and fitting in 5 or 10 minutes every day is vastly preferable to trying to find an hour or two on the weekend.
Dancing together is fun!
Keep your lessons close together if you can. You’ll learn and build a sense of accomplishment more quickly. It’ll also make you diligent about practicing, because let’s be honest, you’re a lot less likely to procrastinate if you have a lesson in two days rather than two weeks.
This is what confidence looks like!
Wear the shoes you’ll be using for the wedding (or ones that are similar) so you can get used to dancing in them. This is particularly important if they are very different in style from what you usually wear.
Dancing is romantic!
Schedule a final lesson the week of the wedding. It’ll boost your confidence by ensuring that your choreography is fresh in your mind. If you can, also run through your first dance at the venue ahead of time so you have a clear sense of the orientation and space.
The first thing a lot of people will tell you about caring for your dance shoes is, never wear them anywhere other than a clean dance floor. Frankly, I’m usually not that precious about my shoes, and have worn them in some pretty gnarly places. You may, however, want to dedicate a pair for outdoor events and sticky nightclub floors, and reserve the others for more pristine environments.
Caring for your dance shoes properly will help you get the most out of them.
Maintenance
Regardless of the surfaces you frequent, you will occasionally need to refresh the sued on the soles. Giving them a few swipes with a stiff wire brush is usually enough to rough up the surface and restore traction. If you’ve treated your shoes especially egregiously (think beer-soaked honky-tonk floor), you can take them to a shoe repair shop and have them run over a grindstone, and they’ll look like new. That will wear out the soles quicker though, so use it only if they’re irredeemably matted and slick. And when the soles do wear out completely, that same shop can replace or recover them to give you a few more miles.
Heel tips also experience a lot of wear and tear and may wear out long before the rest of the shoe. Fortunately, it is relatively inexpensive to have them replaced, and even cheaper if you learn to do it yourself. Alternately, if you don’t mind the look of them, you can use heel caps to protect the tips. Either way, if you plan to wear a long dress or flowing pants, you should use an emery board to smooth any sharp burrs on the edges of the heel prior to dancing in order to avoid getting your heel caught in the fabric.
Wire Brush | Heel Tips | Heel Caps
Storage
Dance shoes usually come with a simple cloth drawstring bag. I’ve always found that to be sufficient, but there are a couple of extras you might want, especially if you’ve invested in high-end shoes. Adjustable shoe trees fit inside the shoes and help them maintain their shape. They come in a variety of materials, but ones made of cedar also absorb odor and repel pests. Shoe boxes offer more protection than cloth sacks, and clear stackable versions might be worthwhile if you have several pairs and want to be able to spot them easily. Large empty lettuce boxes work well too if you want to save money and aren’t too fastidious about appearances.
Shoe Bag | Shoe Trees | Shoe Boxes
Cleaning
A simple shoe-shine kit will contain almost everything you need to keep your shoes looking good. You can periodically touch up any scratches on leather shoes with shoe polish, and when necessary, clean them with a soft cloth and saddle soap. Suede shoes will need to be buffed with a soft brush regularly to remove dirt and maintain the nap. Satin shoes are very hard to keep clean. Your best bet is probably a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, which also works for spot cleaning leather and vegan leather.
Basic Shoe Shine Kit | Magic Eraser
Ultimately caring for your dance shoes is not a big deal, and you shouldn’t let it stress you out. Do the best you can and don’t worry about the inevitable scuffs they’ll acquire. Shoes that are starting to look a little seedy are a sign that you’re dancing a lot, and that’s a good thing!
Caring for your dance shoes won’t make them last forever, and that’s okay. 😉
Update
One of our students recently shared a method for cleaning satin shoes that she found on the Bella Belle website, and based on her before and after photo, I’d say it’s a winner.
How does hiring a band for your wedding affect your first dance?
Live music is wonderful, and hiring a band that reflects your tastes can really set the tone for your reception. It does make choreographing your first dance (or father-daughter/mother-son dances) a little trickier though because you need to know ahead of time exactly how the song will be played. Here are three ways to handle it so that get the most out of both your band and your dance lessons.
Working With the Band
Our preferred method is for us to edit the original song and have you send it to the band. Most bands are fine with this as long as you give them enough time to practice the arrangement, and some even prefer it because they can give you exactly what you want. Choreography and practice can proceed with the edited version while the band works on the live version. If there’s enough time they may even send you a demo when it’s ready so there won’t be any surprises on the big day.
Another option is to ask the band to send you a recording of what they plan to play. Make sure they know you’d like it to be about a minute and a half long. It’s great to have the version that you’ll actually be dancing to, but keep in mind that good bands are busy , so they might be slow in sending what you need.
Using a Recording Instead
And finally, whether it’s because you love the original artist or just don’t want the uncertainty of live music, there’s nothing wrong with dancing your first dance to a recorded version and letting the band play everything else.
There is no right or wrong when it comes to your first dance, and the most important thing is that you enjoy yourselves. Just remember that whichever way you decide to go, timely and clear communication with the band and your instructor is key.
So you’re ready to buy ballroom dance shoes, but you’re not sure where to start? Relax, I’m going to walk you through it.
Characteristics of Ballroom Dance Shoes
There are two main features that distinguish ballroom dance shoes from regular footwear. The first is a steel shank for maximum support and durability, and the second is a suede sole. Suede has the perfect amount of grip. Too much grip (think tennis shoes) and your foot won’t turn freely. Too little grip and you’ll slip and slide. Either can result in injury, so if you need to justify the cost of dance shoes, just think of them as safety equipment.
Beyond the basics, shoes are categorized by the type of dancing they’re intended for. For men the choices are pretty straightforward. A classic black 5-holed oxford, while designed for standard/smooth dancing, is a good choice for all around use. They usually come in leather or patent leather, but otherwise there isn’t much variation. If you plan to do mainly Latin/rhythm dancing (or if you want to add a bit of height), you’ll want a Latin shoe which will have a softer, less structured design and a Cuban heel. Smooth leather or suede is fine, but as with the oxford, they should be black.
Women’s shoes are categorized similarly. Where they differ is in the wide variety of styles, colors, and embellishments available. A classic pump, in either leather or satin, is the norm for standard/smooth dancing. Some come with a strap across the instep (which I highly recommend) to decrease the chance of you stepping out them. Shoes for Latin/rhythm dancing are strappier and often open-toed. They are probably the best choice for general dancing. For your first pair you can’t go wrong with a nude or tan color which matches everything, blends with the floor, and elongates your leg line. Sadly, it is still difficult to find shoes that match darker skin tones, so if you can’t find a good match, you may want to have them dyed. Your second pair will probably be black, followed closely by red, silver, leopard, rhinestone… You’ll see.
A third category, for both men and women, is practice shoes. Basically they’re a less stylish (but comfier) all-purpose shoe that you may appreciate if you dance a lot.
Materials
Leather is a good choice for both men’s and women’s shoes. It’s classic, durable, and will mold to your foot somewhat over time. It’s also the easiest to keep clean.
Patent leather may look snazzy, but it sticks to itself, so if you’re brushing your feet as you should be, you can easily trip yourself up. It also scuffs up pretty easily and doesn’t have much give.
Suede has a nice look and feel. Because it’s softer than leather it molds nicely to the foot, but that also means it’s a little harder to maintain.
Satin doesn’t have much give and it’s hard to keep clean. It does however come in an amazing array of colors and can even be dyed to match your attire.
Cost
Don’t waste your money on a cheap pair of dance shoes. They won’t be comfortable, and they won’t hold up. Expect to pay from $100 – $200 for a decent pair from a reputable brand. Oh, and those higher end brands usually come with double padding – sigh.
Fit
Sizes will vary some from brand to brand, so you may have to experiment a bit, but generally you’ll wear your usual size. One exception is with ladies open-toed styles where the toe should come all the way to the front edge (or even slightly beyond), in which case you might need a half size smaller. The shoe should feel snug and supportive. Don’t even think about trying to live with a heel that slips or a toe that binds. You’ll be putting a lot of miles on these bad boys, so they better be comfy. If in doubt, bring them to your next lesson and let your instructor check the fit.
Unfortunately, most dance shoes only come in a medium width. This is particularly problematic for the guys since they have fewer style options. For ladies with a narrow or wide foot, styles that lace or have adjustable buckles may be a good solution. Be careful of very strappy styles however, as they can dig in or allow toes to escape in weird ways. Styles with mesh panels can offer a similar look while still providing good support.
Finally, many companies can accommodate a certain degree of customization, such as two different sizes or different heel heights, but it will cost extra and the sale is final.
Heels & Closures
Men’s heel heights are usually 1 inch for standard/smooth and 1 ½ inches for Latin/rhythm. For ladies the default is a slender 2 ½ inch heel, but fortunately these days there are a lot of other options. Heights from ¾ – 4 inches are usually available, as are varying degrees of flare (how wide it becomes at the bottom) and much chunkier Cuban heels.
Men’s shoes generally just lace up, but because ladies shoes have a strap (or many straps) that can be adjusted, the types of attachments are also more varied. As mentioned before, laces can be helpful in getting a good fit, but they do run the risk of coming untied. Buckles are the most secure, but a faux-buckle clasp is pretty good too, and it’s quicker to take on and off. My favorite is snaps, but they’re not as widely available.
Where to Buy Ballroom Dance Shoes
Unless you live in a large city with a lot of dance studios (Hello NY and LA), you’re probably going to have to order online. Make sure to check return policies before you order, and when you try them on, stand on a towel to keep the suede clean. And remember, custom orders cannot be returned.
Shoe (and dress) vendors also set up booths at large competitions, so if you hear of one coming to your area, it may be worth checking out. I got one of my favorite pairs of all time on clearance at an event.
Alternatives to Buying Ballroom Dance Shoes
If you’re not ready to invest in a dedicated pair of ballroom dance shoes, it’s perfectly fine to dance in shoes you already own. A few simple modifications might be helpful though. If they won’t stay on securely, you can buy shoe bands to put around your instep. They’re basically wide rubber bands that come in colors (black, nude, clear, etc.) to match your shoes. Some are even adjustable. Another option to prevent slippage is double sided shoe tape. I haven’t tried it, so I can’t attest to its comfort or efficacy, but it’s worth a try. And finally, you can buy sued pads with adhesive backs, stick them to the bottoms of your shoes, and voila, your favorite kicks now have a dancing sole.
Time To Shop!
Here are a few links to get you started. I’ve purchased shoes from most (but not all) of these companies and been happy with them.
Fun final note – In the eighties male competitors often dyed their outfits to match their partners, so somewhere in Jesse’s stash of memorabilia is a pair of purple satin Cuban-heeled dance shoes.
Choosing wedding music is an emotional decision. We often meet couples that are worried that their song isn’t “danceable”. Let’s put that to rest right now. Your song is not too fast. Or too slow, too obscure, too weird, too racy, or too anything else. Your song is your song. If you love it, we can make it work.
Your song is too long though. Sorry, but the average song is 3-4 minutes long, and the average attentions span is much less. The good news is that most songs can be edited down to about a minute and a half (the sweet spot) while keeping the best parts.
Don’t forget your exit music
The song determines the dance. There are dozens of dances that are fun and appropriate for weddings, and which one you end up doing will depend on the tempo and rhythm of your music. Also, keep in mind that covers and remixes can change the mood of a song completely. Think Beyonce’s original Crazy in Love versus the Fifty Shades of Grey remix.
Can’t decide between slow or fast? Do both. Medleys can be fun (if they’re not too long) and are a nice surprise for your guests. They can also be a good compromise if you have wildly different tastes. So go ahead and mix his country ballad with your nineties hip-hop, and don’t worry what anyone else thinks.
Beyond the bride and groom
Dad’s cry too. In fact, many of them bawl like babies during the father-daughter dance. If that’s your jam, then by all means use that sentimental slow song that you both love. But if you prefer not to turn on the waterworks mid-dance, pick something fast and fun. Maybe even something silly, like a medley of his favorite disco tunes.
Did your mom or dad sing to you when you were little? Those catchy ditties are often real songs, and they make great choices for father-daughter or mother son dances because they’re funny and have meaning for you. Ting tang walla walla bing bang anyone?
Editing Makes It Perfect
Occasionally your song will be perfect as is, but more often than not, it will need some editing. Here are a few things that a good sound person can do for your song: shorten it (imperative), slow it down or speed it up to make it more comfortable, add or remove vocals, mix it with another song, add sound effects. If you can dream it, it can probably be done.
Trying to think of the perfect gift for that hard to shop for person? Dance lessons make a great gift for almost anyone on almost any occasion.
They’re Unique
Chances are if you give someone a gift certificate for dance lessons, you won’t be duplicating someone else’s gift idea. Can you say that about a sweater? Your spouse, boss, sibling, or friend will appreciate that you took the time to choose something original and fun just for them.
Skills Last Forever
It’s like riding a bike. Once someone learns how to dance, they’ll be able to use that ability anywhere and anytime. On a cruise? They know how to dance. At a class reunion? They know how to dance. Wedding reception? That’s right. They know how to dance. And dancing has no expiration date, so they can do it well into old age.
Experiences Are Better Than Things
Classes and lessons of any kind make good gifts. Not only because they won’t end up collecting dust in the closet, but also because, whether good or bad, new experiences almost always leave lasting memories (and often funny stories) in a way tangible gifts rarely do. And let’s face it, most of us already have all the stuff we need.
People Secretly Dream of Learning to Dance
If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard someone say, “I wish I’d done this sooner,” my piggy bank would be full. Gliding across the floor like Fred and Ginger is something many people dream of, but few actually attempt. Give them the gentle push they need to start now and not waste any more time daydreaming. They’ll thank you for it.
In Parts I and II of the Benefits of Dancing, I discussed the rational and emotional factors that induce people to choose dancing as a hobby. So why a third post with more reasons to dance? Because there are a few prospects that don’t fit squarely in either camp.
Dancing ticks many of the boxes we may have for a rewarding hobby. It’s social, provides both mental and physical exercise, and offers a creative outlet. How’s that for well-rounded self-improvement?
Avoiding embarrassment on the dance floor is both emotional and practical. No one wants to be left out or to admit that they’re a lousy dancer, but neither do you want to dance with someone and step all over their feet. Learning to dance properly is beneficial for both you, and your potential partners.
If you want to improve your conversational abilities, dancing is perfect. When you’re literally face-to-face with someone, it’s almost impossible not to speak to them. Since a song is only a few minutes long though, there’s very little danger of running out of things to say. It makes for good practice.
Have you every wanted to have a private conversation with someone who’s always surrounded by admirers? Or get the ear of someone who has access and influence? Not to sound Machiavellian, but dancing can work as an excellent networking tool. Think of the span of a dance kind of like an elevator pitch, but more fun.
Dancing is also unparalleled for developing leadership and teamwork skills. You simply cannot accomplish anything on the dance floor unless you cooperate. If you’re in the roll of the leader you must be attuned to your partner and everyone around you. You’ll also become better at planning, and simultaneously more decisive and more adaptable. As a follower you’ll develop patience, mental flexibility, and an ability to pick up subtle cues.
And the final reason is one you might not appreciate right away. Once you’ve learned to dance yourself, you can help ease other peoples’ anxiety about dancing. Ask someone standing on the sidelines to dance or help someone who’s struggling, and you’ll make their day.
So now that you know about all the benefits that dancing has to offer, what are you waiting for?
I love the Martha Graham quote, “Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion.” In the first part of this series, I discussed the rational reasons for pursuing dance as a hobby. Some or all of them might apply to you, but emotion is what really turns an interest into a passion. Dancing feeds our deepest desires, and that’s why you really dance.
Dancing is sexy!
Deep down we all want to be special. Becoming a good dancer will give you a sense of creativity and achievement every time you step on the floor. When you dance, you’ll feel a glow from showing off a skill that most others don’t have.
Who do you picture as the epitome of grace? A dancer, of course. As you grow in skill, you’ll develop beautiful posture and carriage, and acquire more grace and poise. Your friends might not be able to put their fingers on it, but they will sense that you are radiating ease.
If you know how to dance, you’ll simply have more fun. No more sitting on the sidelines secretly wishing you could join in. Instead, other will be watching you with envy.
She must be a dancer!
Dancers are impressive. They’re fun, they’re fit, and they ooze sex appeal. If you’re trying to impress someone (or a whole lot of people), then learning to dance is a great place to start.
Being a good dancer will increase your social ease and self-confidence, which in turn will increase your popularity. Who wouldn’t want to be invited to more parties or be the person others count on to bring the fun?
There is tremendous camaraderie in the dance world. As you learn and practice with other students, you’ll form lasting friendships with people who share your joy in movement. Not only that, but being able to dance is almost like a secret handshake. You’ll be welcomed warmly by other dancers anywhere in the world you may go, because they’ll all know why you really dance.
I once worked with an instructor who also waited tables at a large Italian restaurant, and he told me something interesting about how the other guys on the staff reacted to his dancing. When they were all together, they would razz him unmercifully. But when it was one-on-one, they were curious and full of questions. If you take up dancing as a hobby, your friends will probably have questions too, so take some time to think about why you dance.
There are many reasons people choose to pursue a particular hobby (including dancing), and most of them fall into two categories: the rational and the emotional. In this post I’m going to focus on the rational. These are the clear (and socially acceptable) benefits that you can tell your friends and colleagues without feeling silly.
Dancing is great for relaxation and stress relief. We teach a lot of people with high stress jobs, and I believe it’s at least partly because of this. In addition to the physical component that burns off excess stress hormones, the mental focus needed to learn new steps pretty much blots out any nagging thoughts. Most people leave a lesson feeling refreshed and energized.
Dancing is good exercise. You can do it anywhere you have some space, you don’t need any special equipment, and it’s more fun than running on a treadmill. The number of calories burned and toning effects vary not only by the type of dance, but by how you dance. A gentle social rumba might be equivalent to a stroll around the block, while a full-on cha cha is more like running sprints. In other words, dance is adaptable to your goals and current fitness level.
Sometimes learning to dance is important to meet social obligations. My partner tells a story of a young army officer he once knew that always made it a point to dance with the wives of his superiors at military balls. The husbands were so grateful (or so the story goes) that he became a favorite among them and quickly rose through the ranks. True or not, the premise holds. If you regularly attend functions where there is dancing, you’ll be much more effective if you can participate.
Related to developing general social competence is preparing for a specific event. There are many possibilities, from teens learning to waltz for a cotillion, to boomers wanting to do the hustle at a 70’s-themed class reunion, to retirees going on a cruise. The biggie, of course, is weddings. First dance, father-daughter, mother-son – weddings are full of spotlight moments on the dance floor. And many parents will learn to dance together for the first time because of the momentousness of the occasion.
This is far from an exhaustive list, and every person will have their own set of rational reasons for pursuing this crazy hobby. So, what are you going to tell your friends about why you dance?
